If You Ghost Someone, You're a Coward.

So there's this thing that 20-somethings do now. Something born out of out relationships being punctuated by Twitter, Tinder, Texting, Snapchat and all of the other ways we talk to each other without actually talking to each other. It's called ghosting.

For those of you that don't know what it is, it's probably happened to you, you just didn't know that it has a name now. So here ya go courtesy of Urban Dictionary (because where else would this be defined)

Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

So the topic of today's blog: Ghosting.

This came out of me reading a "16 Signs You're About to be Ghosted" article on Thought Catalog. Cue me freaking out that I'm being ghosted which lead to me sending the equivalent of  a "Yo. You still into this?" text to the guy I'm casually (emphasis on the casually because you never know what could happen) dating.


If you're interested he CALLED me. That's right. Called. After he got the message he called and me being a typical post-modern, introvert in the dating world, I just waited for the text (my phone was on Do Not Disturb too so I actually missed the call and read the text first).


Anyway, I was one of the lucky ones who got "Yeah. Of course! I'm sorry if you thought differently!"

So Phew. But back to the blog.


People are starting to write about ghosting more and more but most of the articles are analytical and just painfully out of touch so I thought I should write one. And I'm sorry in advance if this sounds preachy. It's not meant to because this is just as much my sin. So just bear with me.

I'm not saint. I've done it too. And I feel awful about it all the time, but that didn't stop me from doing it to quite a few people. So if you read the title of this blog and got instantly offended because you thought I was being a jerk, I'm sorry for that but it's true...But I also fully admit to the fact that I'm totally a coward too. I didn't have the courage to just be straight up with people and that's terrible.




Modern dating has become so so complicated. We have more ways than ever to communicate with people without actually talking that it's allowed us to do this new thing, ghosting, when we're just "not feeling it" with someone anymore.


So here's how it seems to happen, using my own personal experiences with being ghosted and ghosting people.


You're sitting on your couch, watching Netflix and swiping through Tinder (Tinder, a topic for another blog for sure. Stay tuned).  Anyway, back to the swiping. You find someone who looks promising and swipe right. YAY! It's a match. They message you (or you message them) and you strike up a conversation.

The conversation goes well (or terribly *unmatch*) and you agree to exchange phone numbers. So you text each other all day for a few days and maybe agree to a date. Now. This. This is where you decide if ghosting is going to happen.

The date goes well (from your viewpoint or their's depending on who's going to do the ghosting) and you're excited and anxious and you talk for a few hours over dinner and drinks. Maybe there's a kiss, maybe you go back to one of your apartments, etc. etc.

They text you the next morning and everything seems to be going well. Maybe there's even a second date. Maybe you even sleep together. Who knows?

But then something changes...They stop texting you as much. Or they open your Snapchats but ignore your texts or worse they turn read receipts on and you see the *read at 1:33pm* but its 7:30 now and still no answer. There are a myriad at things that could happen. But it's always the same. It seems to be going well and then all of the sudden...nothing.

You don't get it. It was all going so well! What the hell? But you tell yourself you weren't that invested anyway. It was Tinder after all. Whatever.

But the bottom line is, it still sucks.

Now on the flip side if you are doing the ghosting you do all these things to people. Wait a few hours (or even days) to respond to them hoping that they take the hint.

I've done this. Granted, I usually respond within a few hours for the first few days, I'm not a monster. But then I just stop and usually they take the hint or they don't and it's awful and awkward and approachs stalker status or worse...you get the drunk texts.

"What happened?!" "It was going so well!" "Whatever you're a jerk/loser (pick your expletive) anyway. You lost out." "I miss you. Come back."

It's awful.

I've been ghosted too. The last time it happened I think it was because he got busy with work or something. He was kind enough to respond to my inquiries about if he gave me Mono though (Fear is a great motivator) but it stopped again shortly after.

But it was Tinder. I wasn't invested, right? Their loss.

Wrong. I still had hope of maybe a possible relationship with a nice guy.

So why is ghosting even a thing if it sucks so much?

Because we, as 20-somethings, are so afraid of hurting people. We don't want to make other people feel the outright pain of rejection, so we just slip away quietly and hope that we don't leave too much pain in our wake.

But it still hurts people just as much to just slip away. It leaves even more of the usual post-breakup "Wait...what did I do?" question. And what's worse, you can't do a damn thing about getting the answer to that question. Because you'll get branded as a psycho and slip even further into your perceived "undatable" status.

So here's my proposition, stop ghosting people dammit!

It's so rude and cowardly and just plain mean. Just be honest and tell someone if you're not feeling it. After all, the outcome will still be the same if you send a "Hey, you're really fun and I had a great time, but I think I'm looking for something else" or "Thanks for a great evening! It was great to meet you but I think we could be better friends than anything" or even  better yet "So I don't want to just ghost you. You're a great person, but I just think this was a fun one time thing."

I know, I know. "How mean Abby! That's awful!" Yes. It may be but like, you want them to stop talking to you right? So why not just be honest with them. It'll make it end better for everyone and leave you with less guilt  (unless you're a heartless superhuman) at the end of the day.

Update: Yeah...so I got ghosted like 2 weeks after this. So...predictably. Eh. C'est Le Vie