Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Rock Bottom Has Nasty Spikes and Perspective

I hit absolute rock bottom this last week. And when I say rock bottom, I mean like I basically spent four consecutive days in a perpetual out of body experience. I didn’t know who I was, or where I was, or why I was there. I was saying things to people that terrified them, but I don’t remember any of it. It was a full-blown panic attack about my life. 

Now to say I didn’t see this coming would be ignorant. I had expected it for some time. I just didn’t know how serious and scary it would be. 


For those of you concerned: I’m fine now. I think everything bottomed out and now we’re on our way back up. To the friends and family (mother) who helped me through it/experienced me in the middle of it: I love you so much and I’m so sorry for everything but also so eternally grateful. And to the losers who hit on me in the bar at the beginning of my epic downward slide: Screw you and your “I’m deep” bullshit and P.S. still low-key pissed you made me miss the entire Bills/Browns game. 


Anyway, today’s post: “The Implosion: How one 20-something found out rock bottom hurts a hell of a lot more than expected” 


So turns out I wasn’t dealing with the whole graduating, starting a new yet still not permanent job, casual summer dating, friends all over the place, and living alone for the first time ever thing as well as I thought. 


In a phrase: Adulting is hard. 


After being on the job search for about nine months and getting countless rejections (two in particular) for jobs that thought I was incredibly qualified for, I felt like I was coming to the end of my rope. And yeah yeah, I know how they say just tie and knot and hang on but I was getting so battered by the situation. Like more than I ever thought possible.


So enter the downward spiral. I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt like I had done everything right. I did well all through school. I got into a good college. I worked my ass off in said college. Gained admission to all the academic honors societies, grew into leadership roles in clubs and organizations. Worked summer internships and jobs. I did it all right. 


So what was the one thing that I failed to do? The one thing that I didn’t consider? 


Failure. 


I didn’t even consider the possibilities of roadblocks and hurdles and failings. I just assumed that it would all fall into place “eventually.” And me, being the naturally anxious person that I am, kept getting more and more flustered by the looming deadline of my summer internship coming ever closer. 


So I fell. 


And I fell harder than I ever thought possible. 


I crashed and burned. 


I’ve never, in my life, felt or experienced emotions and life come down so hard on me. So much so that when I woke up Sunday I felt like I had just run a marathon while simultaneously expelling every ounce of emotion I had in my being. 


So after a much needed outdoor church service combined with a solo Yours Truly breakfast run, I finally felt like I had processed my life. And this is what I learned…


You will fail. After college, it’s not all going to be perfect. It’s not going to look how you expected and honestly, you’re probably going to be really freaking confused and flustered for the entire summer and maybe fall after you graduate. 


Now this isn’t to say that there aren’t exceptions to the rule. We all know that one girl/guy who married the love of their life, had the picture perfect wedding, moved to a fabulous new city, and somehow (and this honestly has to be witchcraft) BOTH found jobs. But they are the exception. 


You. You are the rule. (Yes, I stole that from “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Chill.)


You have to prepare yourself for failure. For stumbling. For falling down, hurting like hell, and picking yourself up again.


But it won’t be a waste. You’re going to learn more about yourself in those few (or many) months of pain and suffering and uncertainty than you ever thought possible. And what’s more, you are going to learn how strong you are and how much shit and pain you can take and still walk away from it all. I wasn’t prepared for the pain. I wasn’t ready for the agony of waiting and worrying for months and months for and about jobs that I was going to get rejected from. For wasting time on guys who were going to ghost me. For crying over a job that drained me in more ways than I thought possible while also teaching me more about myself and what I needed than ever.


But I’m okay. I think I survived. And I think this was the worst of it. And I think I can finally see a sparkle of light on the other side of this really freaking long, dark and dismal tunnel. And I’ve decided to give myself until May 2016 to fully transition (because you know, I’m a deadlines person and this one is actually realistic). 


And you know what else? 


You are going to survive too. At times, you are going to look at your life in the coming months and not recognize it or probably even yourself but that doesn’t mean all is lost. 


You will survive. It’ll probably hurt. You’re probably gonna fail...a lot. But you will make it out alive and smarter than before on the other side. You have people. You have hope. And you are stronger than you can possibly imagine.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

The Documentation of a Generation

Have you ever gotten annoyed at someone who stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of something?

There you are, just minding your own business trying to get from point A to point B when you’re all of the sudden halted in your tracks by some idiotic 20-something whipping out their iPhone to snap a photo of something.

It happens all the time. Concerts. Bars. Sporting events. Family events. Dates. Coffee. Dinner. Etc. Etc.

People are always pulling out their cell phones to document their lives (Wait. Let me take a selfie.) and people are getting increasingly angry about it.

So, a bit of a lighter blog today after the relative heaviness of the whole ghosting/job search/mono things…”Wait, I have to Instagram this!”: The Documentation of a Generation.

With the rise of cell phones with cameras came the creation of applications that allowed us to document our lives. It seemed like everyone was always taking out their cellphones in order to capture what they were experiencing at that moment. They allowed us an easy and convenient way to remember something in the moment.

Then came the rise of social media. And then the offshoot of that in mobile, instant social media (i.e. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter).

We now had more ways than ever to share exactly what we were doing every second we were doing it.

Cue the entrance of FOMO (That’s “fear of missing out” The more you know…) and the sudden rise of people being so plugged in that they were no longer paying attention to what was going on around them.

Obviously, as with any new thing, a movement started to encourage people to put down their phones, stop taking Instas, and be present in the world around them. (Seriously, how many articles have you read about “Go Dark For Dinner,” “Unplugging Day,” or the infamous Jack White barrage against people taking pictures and videos at his concerts. Yep. It’s a thing. He’ll yell at you in the middle of a set. Best leave the phone in the car.)

But it still hasn’t stopped people from snapping (That’s the verb for using Snapchat if you were curious. Obviously adding “-ing” to the end of something automatically makes it a verb, right?) their way through happy hour and Friday nights downtown.

And you know what? I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.

Now I agree that we all need to unplug and turn off our screens for periods of time just so we can reacquaint ourselves with the world around us. This is why my phone is increasingly kept in my desk at work, in my living room when I go to read before bedtime, and why I try to get outside and run or walk every day committing to at least half my run/walk/frolic without my headphones in.  It helps me to get re-centered after a day spent inundated by screens and constant visual and auditory stimuli.

So consider this alternative opinion about those people stopping to Insta that sunset/skyline/shotski/shrimp scampi: They are doing it because they have found beauty in it and want to save that and share it.

Why is that a bad thing?

“Because I should be able to walk/eat/drink/party without watching some moron take a million pictures of it!”

While yes, I agree there is a line (no one wants to see a million pictures of your face in a club that’s so dark you can’t see your nose) but there is also a genuine value, I believe, in people documenting their lives and experiences in these instant ways.

What’s more, people taking pictures of these things means that they found beauty in them. They appreciated the way the sun shined through the branches of the tree, how a chef laid the steak on top of the potatoes, or what the condensation looked like rolling down their beer glass. And isn’t it a good thing to appreciate that seemingly ordinary beauty?

I think that’s why, more than anything, that we are constantly taking pictures and videos and posting them everywhere. We see something and say “Oh my gosh! That’s stunning/awesome! Everyone needs to see this!” I’d argue that these apps and phones have made us more creative. We see the world as artists rather than just passive inhabitants. We notice things more. Sure maybe that has caused a few people running into trees or challenging our mortality “For the Snap” but hasn’t it also made us see the world more beautifully?

Like everything, you must use it in moderation, but I think with the proper balance, stopping to take a picture of a street fair or your meal before you eat it isn’t an indication of the end of civilization and culture. It’s merely a sign of transition. So before you scoff at another 20-something pulling out their phone to take a picture, consider what they are seeing that is worthy of being documented.


And of course, use caution Instagramming while you walk. You never know when you might run into a tree. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

If You Ghost Someone, You're a Coward.

So there's this thing that 20-somethings do now. Something born out of out relationships being punctuated by Twitter, Tinder, Texting, Snapchat and all of the other ways we talk to each other without actually talking to each other. It's called ghosting.

For those of you that don't know what it is, it's probably happened to you, you just didn't know that it has a name now. So here ya go courtesy of Urban Dictionary (because where else would this be defined)

Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

So the topic of today's blog: Ghosting.

This came out of me reading a "16 Signs You're About to be Ghosted" article on Thought Catalog. Cue me freaking out that I'm being ghosted which lead to me sending the equivalent of  a "Yo. You still into this?" text to the guy I'm casually (emphasis on the casually because you never know what could happen) dating.


If you're interested he CALLED me. That's right. Called. After he got the message he called and me being a typical post-modern, introvert in the dating world, I just waited for the text (my phone was on Do Not Disturb too so I actually missed the call and read the text first).


Anyway, I was one of the lucky ones who got "Yeah. Of course! I'm sorry if you thought differently!"

So Phew. But back to the blog.


People are starting to write about ghosting more and more but most of the articles are analytical and just painfully out of touch so I thought I should write one. And I'm sorry in advance if this sounds preachy. It's not meant to because this is just as much my sin. So just bear with me.

I'm not saint. I've done it too. And I feel awful about it all the time, but that didn't stop me from doing it to quite a few people. So if you read the title of this blog and got instantly offended because you thought I was being a jerk, I'm sorry for that but it's true...But I also fully admit to the fact that I'm totally a coward too. I didn't have the courage to just be straight up with people and that's terrible.
Modern dating has become so so complicated. We have more ways than ever to communicate with people without actually talking that it's allowed us to do this new thing, ghosting, when we're just "not feeling it" with someone anymore.


So here's how it seems to happen, using my own personal experiences with being ghosted and ghosting people.


You're sitting on your couch, watching Netflix and swiping through Tinder (Tinder, a topic for another blog for sure. Stay tuned).  Anyway, back to the swiping. You find someone who looks promising and swipe right. YAY! It's a match. They message you (or you message them) and you strike up a conversation.

The conversation goes well (or terribly *unmatch*) and you agree to exchange phone numbers. So you text each other all day for a few days and maybe agree to a date. Now. This. This is where you decide if ghosting is going to happen.

The date goes well (from your viewpoint or their's depending on who's going to do the ghosting) and you're excited and anxious and you talk for a few hours over dinner and drinks. Maybe there's a kiss, maybe you go back to one of your apartments, etc. etc.

They text you the next morning and everything seems to be going well. Maybe there's even a second date. Maybe you even sleep together. Who knows?

But then something changes...They stop texting you as much. Or they open your Snapchats but ignore your texts or worse they turn read receipts on and you see the *read at 1:33pm* but its 7:30 now and still no answer. There are a myriad at things that could happen. But it's always the same. It seems to be going well and then all of the sudden...nothing.

You don't get it. It was all going so well! What the hell? But you tell yourself you weren't that invested anyway. It was Tinder after all. Whatever.

But the bottom line is, it still sucks.

Now on the flip side if you are doing the ghosting you do all these things to people. Wait a few hours (or even days) to respond to them hoping that they take the hint.

I've done this. Granted, I usually respond within a few hours for the first few days, I'm not a monster. But then I just stop and usually they take the hint or they don't and it's awful and awkward and approachs stalker status or worse...you get the drunk texts.

"What happened?!" "It was going so well!" "Whatever you're a jerk/loser (pick your expletive) anyway. You lost out." "I miss you. Come back."

It's awful.

I've been ghosted too. The last time it happened I think it was because he got busy with work or something. He was kind enough to respond to my inquiries about if he gave me Mono though (Fear is a great motivator) but it stopped again shortly after.

But it was Tinder. I wasn't invested, right? Their loss.

Wrong. I still had hope of maybe a possible relationship with a nice guy.

So why is ghosting even a thing if it sucks so much?

Because we, as 20-somethings, are so afraid of hurting people. We don't want to make other people feel the outright pain of rejection, so we just slip away quietly and hope that we don't leave too much pain in our wake.

But it still hurts people just as much to just slip away. It leaves even more of the usual post-breakup "Wait...what did I do?" question. And what's worse, you can't do a damn thing about getting the answer to that question. Because you'll get branded as a psycho and slip even further into your perceived "undatable" status.

So here's my proposition, stop ghosting people dammit!

It's so rude and cowardly and just plain mean. Just be honest and tell someone if you're not feeling it. After all, the outcome will still be the same if you send a "Hey, you're really fun and I had a great time, but I think I'm looking for something else" or "Thanks for a great evening! It was great to meet you but I think we could be better friends than anything" or even  better yet "So I don't want to just ghost you. You're a great person, but I just think this was a fun one time thing."

I know, I know. "How mean Abby! That's awful!" Yes. It may be but like, you want them to stop talking to you right? So why not just be honest with them. It'll make it end better for everyone and leave you with less guilt  (unless you're a heartless superhuman) at the end of the day.

Update: Yeah...so I got ghosted like 2 weeks after this. So...predictably. Eh. C'est Le Vie