I hit absolute rock bottom this last week. And when I say rock bottom, I mean like I basically spent four consecutive days in a perpetual out of body experience. I didn’t know who I was, or where I was, or why I was there. I was saying things to people that terrified them, but I don’t remember any of it. It was a full-blown panic attack about my life.
Now to say I didn’t see this coming would be ignorant. I had expected it for some time. I just didn’t know how serious and scary it would be.
For those of you concerned: I’m fine now. I think everything bottomed out and now we’re on our way back up. To the friends and family (mother) who helped me through it/experienced me in the middle of it: I love you so much and I’m so sorry for everything but also so eternally grateful. And to the losers who hit on me in the bar at the beginning of my epic downward slide: Screw you and your “I’m deep” bullshit and P.S. still low-key pissed you made me miss the entire Bills/Browns game.
Anyway, today’s post: “The Implosion: How one 20-something found out rock bottom hurts a hell of a lot more than expected”
So turns out I wasn’t dealing with the whole graduating, starting a new yet still not permanent job, casual summer dating, friends all over the place, and living alone for the first time ever thing as well as I thought.
In a phrase: Adulting is hard.
After being on the job search for about nine months and getting countless rejections (two in particular) for jobs that thought I was incredibly qualified for, I felt like I was coming to the end of my rope. And yeah yeah, I know how they say just tie and knot and hang on but I was getting so battered by the situation. Like more than I ever thought possible.
So enter the downward spiral. I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt like I had done everything right. I did well all through school. I got into a good college. I worked my ass off in said college. Gained admission to all the academic honors societies, grew into leadership roles in clubs and organizations. Worked summer internships and jobs. I did it all right.
So what was the one thing that I failed to do? The one thing that I didn’t consider?
Failure.
I didn’t even consider the possibilities of roadblocks and hurdles and failings. I just assumed that it would all fall into place “eventually.” And me, being the naturally anxious person that I am, kept getting more and more flustered by the looming deadline of my summer internship coming ever closer.
So I fell.
And I fell harder than I ever thought possible.
I crashed and burned.
I’ve never, in my life, felt or experienced emotions and life come down so hard on me. So much so that when I woke up Sunday I felt like I had just run a marathon while simultaneously expelling every ounce of emotion I had in my being.
So after a much needed outdoor church service combined with a solo Yours Truly breakfast run, I finally felt like I had processed my life. And this is what I learned…
You will fail. After college, it’s not all going to be perfect. It’s not going to look how you expected and honestly, you’re probably going to be really freaking confused and flustered for the entire summer and maybe fall after you graduate.
Now this isn’t to say that there aren’t exceptions to the rule. We all know that one girl/guy who married the love of their life, had the picture perfect wedding, moved to a fabulous new city, and somehow (and this honestly has to be witchcraft) BOTH found jobs. But they are the exception.
You. You are the rule. (Yes, I stole that from “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Chill.)
You have to prepare yourself for failure. For stumbling. For falling down, hurting like hell, and picking yourself up again.
But it won’t be a waste. You’re going to learn more about yourself in those few (or many) months of pain and suffering and uncertainty than you ever thought possible. And what’s more, you are going to learn how strong you are and how much shit and pain you can take and still walk away from it all. I wasn’t prepared for the pain. I wasn’t ready for the agony of waiting and worrying for months and months for and about jobs that I was going to get rejected from. For wasting time on guys who were going to ghost me. For crying over a job that drained me in more ways than I thought possible while also teaching me more about myself and what I needed than ever.
But I’m okay. I think I survived. And I think this was the worst of it. And I think I can finally see a sparkle of light on the other side of this really freaking long, dark and dismal tunnel. And I’ve decided to give myself until May 2016 to fully transition (because you know, I’m a deadlines person and this one is actually realistic).
And you know what else?
You are going to survive too. At times, you are going to look at your life in the coming months and not recognize it or probably even yourself but that doesn’t mean all is lost.
You will survive. It’ll probably hurt. You’re probably gonna fail...a lot. But you will make it out alive and smarter than before on the other side. You have people. You have hope. And you are stronger than you can possibly imagine.
Now to say I didn’t see this coming would be ignorant. I had expected it for some time. I just didn’t know how serious and scary it would be.
For those of you concerned: I’m fine now. I think everything bottomed out and now we’re on our way back up. To the friends and family (mother) who helped me through it/experienced me in the middle of it: I love you so much and I’m so sorry for everything but also so eternally grateful. And to the losers who hit on me in the bar at the beginning of my epic downward slide: Screw you and your “I’m deep” bullshit and P.S. still low-key pissed you made me miss the entire Bills/Browns game.
Anyway, today’s post: “The Implosion: How one 20-something found out rock bottom hurts a hell of a lot more than expected”
So turns out I wasn’t dealing with the whole graduating, starting a new yet still not permanent job, casual summer dating, friends all over the place, and living alone for the first time ever thing as well as I thought.
In a phrase: Adulting is hard.
After being on the job search for about nine months and getting countless rejections (two in particular) for jobs that thought I was incredibly qualified for, I felt like I was coming to the end of my rope. And yeah yeah, I know how they say just tie and knot and hang on but I was getting so battered by the situation. Like more than I ever thought possible.
So enter the downward spiral. I just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt like I had done everything right. I did well all through school. I got into a good college. I worked my ass off in said college. Gained admission to all the academic honors societies, grew into leadership roles in clubs and organizations. Worked summer internships and jobs. I did it all right.
So what was the one thing that I failed to do? The one thing that I didn’t consider?
Failure.
I didn’t even consider the possibilities of roadblocks and hurdles and failings. I just assumed that it would all fall into place “eventually.” And me, being the naturally anxious person that I am, kept getting more and more flustered by the looming deadline of my summer internship coming ever closer.
So I fell.
And I fell harder than I ever thought possible.
I crashed and burned.
I’ve never, in my life, felt or experienced emotions and life come down so hard on me. So much so that when I woke up Sunday I felt like I had just run a marathon while simultaneously expelling every ounce of emotion I had in my being.
So after a much needed outdoor church service combined with a solo Yours Truly breakfast run, I finally felt like I had processed my life. And this is what I learned…
You will fail. After college, it’s not all going to be perfect. It’s not going to look how you expected and honestly, you’re probably going to be really freaking confused and flustered for the entire summer and maybe fall after you graduate.
Now this isn’t to say that there aren’t exceptions to the rule. We all know that one girl/guy who married the love of their life, had the picture perfect wedding, moved to a fabulous new city, and somehow (and this honestly has to be witchcraft) BOTH found jobs. But they are the exception.
You. You are the rule. (Yes, I stole that from “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Chill.)
You have to prepare yourself for failure. For stumbling. For falling down, hurting like hell, and picking yourself up again.
But it won’t be a waste. You’re going to learn more about yourself in those few (or many) months of pain and suffering and uncertainty than you ever thought possible. And what’s more, you are going to learn how strong you are and how much shit and pain you can take and still walk away from it all. I wasn’t prepared for the pain. I wasn’t ready for the agony of waiting and worrying for months and months for and about jobs that I was going to get rejected from. For wasting time on guys who were going to ghost me. For crying over a job that drained me in more ways than I thought possible while also teaching me more about myself and what I needed than ever.
But I’m okay. I think I survived. And I think this was the worst of it. And I think I can finally see a sparkle of light on the other side of this really freaking long, dark and dismal tunnel. And I’ve decided to give myself until May 2016 to fully transition (because you know, I’m a deadlines person and this one is actually realistic).
And you know what else?
You are going to survive too. At times, you are going to look at your life in the coming months and not recognize it or probably even yourself but that doesn’t mean all is lost.
You will survive. It’ll probably hurt. You’re probably gonna fail...a lot. But you will make it out alive and smarter than before on the other side. You have people. You have hope. And you are stronger than you can possibly imagine.